High Maintenance Variations
Veronica and I discuss how our “high maintenance”-ness differs. Anne adds her thoughts.
High Maintenance Variations on Vimeo
You Can’t Do It All, No Matter What You Think
People fear their own brains. I see it all day, every day, now that I am in the line of work I’m in. There is this flawed notion that if only people tried harder, they could manage any task they are presented with. As someone who spends most of my day testing people’s abilities to use their brain on a variety of tasks, I can tell you that there is ENORMOUS variability from one brain to the next. The things that seem so easy to you – like cake – are very difficult for some people in your life. "Why can’t you just remember to X? How hard is it to just Y? Z just needs doing?" But for most people, there are one or two things that take considerably more effort than for other people. Trust me on this.
For me, navigation takes enormous effort. ENORMOUS! I may seem map obsessed, but that’s because there just aren’t maps inside my head. I can imagine a snapshop picture of a place I’ve been (Harvard Square, for example), and then I can see a picture of where that is on a map, but if I’m in Harvard Square, there is no relation between those two things. Which way do you turn to leave? Well… let’s see, I know that I pass that place where the Redline is, but I couldn’t tell you which of these roads I’m looking at takes you there, even though I know in my mind it’s only a block away. The connections aren’t there, and I can try, try, TRY so hard, and it will never be easy. I need crutches, props, notes, maps, and a team of support to get you out of Harvard Square… So if you ask, I will say, "Let me check Googlemaps," or I might stall while I scramble around in this imperfect section of my brain until I can find anything of use to you.
And you are the same. There are ways you can’t succeed easily. I’m sure of it. There are so many times you are covering for something that is supposed to be easy for someone as smart as you. You’re making excuses. You’re staying up too late to try and do something that "should" have taken no time at all. You’re walking up a steep hill, and instead of saying, "This is really, REALLY hard for me. I should be asking for help/getting someone else to do this/etc." But that’s not what you do. You say to yourself, "What the hell is wrong with you that you can’t do this simple thing? You must be a total moron. You’re supposed to be smart, and this should be so easy for you." But it’s not. Just face it. You’re not invinsible. Noone is. Give it up. And quit beating yourself up, because you know what? That just leads to anxiety, which is going to make it all worse, because you can’t accomplish anything when someone (you) is ragging on you all the time. That inner chatter isn’t helpful. Just tell the voices in your head to STFU and get help, enlist others, delegate, do less, do something else. Trust me on this one. Your life will be better.
Now I have to go. I have my own advice to take.
I am not on the Cape
You may have noticed that I am not driving to Cape Cod right now. I caught that, too. It kinda bums me out, actually. I have a friend at work who has a house there, and she generously offered it to me since she knew I was a bit on the broke side (a bit – hah! – actually, I’m MUCH more broke now than I was when she offered). Anyhoo, I found out last week that the plumber came across some problems when readying the house for the season, and unfortunately, that meant no trip for me… at least not now.
Pondering this unfortunate state of affairs, I decided to take Jeep up on the roof. I have taken to semi-daily trips up there with Maggie since the weather has improved, but Jeep has been very interested in sitting in the window, and she even escaped up the stairs when my upstairs neighbor and I returned from yoga last night. She used to go out on the deck all the time in Bloomington. So I put on the little kitty leash and off we went. As we reached the roof, I felt something warm on my arm. And so we wandered back down to my apartment at a brisk clip, I released her, and I washed the pee off my sweatshirt sleeve.
Sigh.
I sure hope my luck changes… a lot. At least there’s karaoke tomorrow night, and it’s FREE. I’ve been looking up good duets to do. Oh, and I get to meet Kristin’s parents tonight, which should be cool. I’ve recently started referring to Kristin as my "boyfriend" since we hang out all the time. It’s good for us, as fellow recent dumpees who want to have lives, but who aren’t exactly on the make just yet. I hope my boyfriend’s parents like me! 😛
Closer to Fine
Despite trying to pretend that I am now well, I remain rundown and conjested. I had planned to join a photo mob at the marathon, but instead, I opted for a movie in bed. I picked Closer, a small ensemble piece directed by Mike Nichols. There are exactly four characters in this film, none of them particularly likable (despite some great performances). And yet, there was just enough humanity within each of them for me to keep watching. It was a fairly harrowing choice for a person like myself who has recently survived a breakup. This film renews my feeling that "breakups happen" remains about the most cruel and trivializing phrase in the English language. I’d be interested in hearing if anyone reading this has seen it and has an opinion about it.
Kitty Cats and Red Things
Jeep has just curled up next to me in a little ball on the couch. She never does this. I just e-mailed another report to my boss. Right now, life is OK.
I’ve dealt with a few emotions in the last few days that were new to me: rage, distrust. I’m starting to realize how rare it must be to make it to my age without experiencing these feelings. It hasn’t been pretty, and the result of my seeing red was that I caused some of my friends to see red with regards to me, too. I get it. I was just there two days ago.
The color is starting to fade, although it rises up and down with each hour that passes. Dad says that the trick is not to do anything. For the last month, I’ve had that post breakup insanity that requires extreme reliance on friends. "Hello, friend? Having a crazy thought. Talk me down." He says the difference between real insanity and this sort of situation-induced insanity is the knowledge that it is a temporary state, that it is irrational, that it’s time to call a friend rather than act. The system short-circuited a few days ago when not only was I seeing red, but so were all of my confidantes. It’s a popular color, I guess.
Jeep has just rolled over, revealing her soft underbelly. She’s using a paw to cover her eyes, blocking the sun coming in the window.
I wonder if Kristin would be up for a late brunch at Centre Street Cafe.
