Life is in flux BIG TIME these days. I want to keep in touch with all of my peeps. The Internet is this beautiful thing. I can move to a brand new city and still stay in easy, near-daily contact with the people I love. When I feel connected to the people in my life that matter, I am unstoppable!
Do you ever get sick of yourself? I’ve been feeling really sick of myself lately. Like I want to make the big humongous Abby personality get really little and fit on to one piece of paper instead of the entire damn internet. As a side effect of this overall feeling, as well as some security concerns, I’ve taken to making huge sections of my blog private. Why? I don’t know. There’s too much of me everywhere, I guess. I know I’ll never achieve wallflower status in any way, but sometimes, I like the idea of trying.
In this recent interview, Kristin Hersh explains just how subjective each minute decision made in the recording studio is. The interviewer finds this fascinating: “You would think, looking at it from the outside, that it’s all so calculated.” I love her response:
Ooo. That would be so sad. Your brain is the first organ to lie to you. If you told music what to do, it would be terrible!”
I love her way of thinking. I’ve thought that for years… that you can’t always trust what you think. Not all facts are truth, and I find that so many people get that wrong! A correlary to that is that noone gets to decide what they feel. It’s your job to first become very aware of what you feel. That’s pretty good on its own. Once you have that down, then maybe you can work out why, but it’s the labeling of the raw emotion that I find most important. People tend to spend an awful lot of time denying they feel some way and explaining that they actually feel this way they WANT to feel or that they think would be better to feel. It wastes a lot of time. —
BTW, I have been in New York at a licensure exam workshop. I’m not blogging about my licensure/job path because frankly, I don’t like talking about it. I’m asked so many questions, and I just want to get on with it. I have a plan now. I have focus. Just let me do my thing, and within a few months, I’ll have something to say.
A simultaneous hooray and boo-hiss to mature, adult decisions. Sometimes I wish I were less responsible, because in the moment that would be MUCH more fun, but at the end of the day, I’m pretty happy I am who I am. I have no regrets, and I know that I am a happier woman because I do make sacrifices in the name of integrity. I’m sure I’ve missed out on plenty of raucous, irresponsible fun, but I’m kind of OK with that. Hey, everyone I know… remind me that I said this
Once a year, I talk about how much I hate Valentine’s Day. It’s never good. Last year, my boyfriend at the time was out of town for work on Valentine’s Day. I’d made reservations far in advance at this really nice Mediterranean restaurant. Since he had the trip, I rescheduled for later in the week… I barely spoke to him on the 14th because he was so busy working. On the 16th, I picked him up at the airport, and when we got home, he dumped me and moved across the country 5 days later. Fun times
This year, I’m single, which is maybe better than some other possibilities. I always feel bad for couples in new relationships around Valentine’s Day: “Do we celebrate? What about that L-word that’s floating around everywhere? Am I supposed to say it? Wait, I’m not ready. Shit, this is calling the entire relationship into question. Gah! Am I supposed to be buying a gift? And what cost is appropriate for someone I’ve only been dating a week, a month, two months. What is s/he expecting?” PRESSURE!
When I was in a happy long-term relationship with my ex-husband (yes, I was very happy… just because it ended doesn’t mean it wasn’t happy), we both hated the sentiment of Valentine’s Day. It’s such a Hallmark holiday. It’s forced affection. Plus, the restaurants are so packed with newer couples who are either feigning love or newly crazy in love. Who wants to compete with that?! What I much preferred were the spontaneous displays of affection. “Hey sweetie, you forgot to set the VCR for your favorite show before you left for choir. I did it for you.” (These were the days before TiVo!). “Look, I saw this CD at the store, and I knew you would love it, so I bought it for you.” “You look like you’re really enjoying that book you’re looking at. It’s on me.” Or… “You seem stressed. Let me put on some Ella. Just sit down. I’ll make you something to eat.” That’s what it’s all about… at least to me. The other stuff is just pretend.
I was thinking recently about how on talk shows, people are always talking about how “the magic” went out of their relationship. What a load of crap! They’ve been watching too many romantic comedies. I watch them, too, but maybe because I’ve seen a 40+ year relationship in action, I know that the really good stuff comes from years and years of shared experiences. Periods of distance, sitting in the same room engaged in parallel play, with intermittent passion, silliness, sorrow, and all the rest of it. Magic comes and goes, but the bond of being with someone over years is indescribably enriching. Not sure whether I’ll have it again, but I did have 9 1/2 years of it. It wasn’t perfect. I did a lot of things wrong, and I can’t say I won’t do more wrong things in future relationships, but they will probably be different wrong things. A relationship of that length and the recovery when it’s over teaches one many lessons that I wouldn’t trade in for anything. Not that divorce was a cakewalk (far from it), but it made me who I am today, so I never wish that it never happened.
Looking at my calendar for Valentine’s Day, all I have planned is an informational meeting with a local psychologist. His practice isn’t hiring, but he was very helpful on the phone, and my last one of these informational meetings brought many good ideas and good leads. Hopefully, this one will be similar. The other event on my calendar is much more important: Smoooochie’s (Veronica’s) Birthday. Now that’s something to celebrate. She has been a patient and loyal friend for about four and a half years now. She is much more cause for celebration than Valentine’s. So MY VDay is all about the Veronica… oh, and maybe I’ll arrange the cat food into little heart shapes for the girls. I’m sure they will LOVE that… “Meow, meow, meow. Hurry the fuck up, Mom!”
Here’s a little Valentine’s video to lighten up your emotional angst at being single or coupled on this strange holiday:
Once a year, I talk about how much I hate Valentine’s Day. It’s never good. Last year, my boyfriend at the time was out of town for work on Valentine’s Day. I’d made reservations far in advance at this really nice Mediterranean restaurant. Since he had the trip, I rescheduled for later in the week… I barely spoke to him on the 14th because he was so busy working. On the 16th, I picked him up at the airport, and when we got home, he dumped me and moved across the country 5 days later. Fun times
