Daily Redecision
Just about every day, I reconsider my move away from Boston to Raleigh, and just about every day, I redecide that moving is the right thing to do. Yet, in my head, there are a few repeating thoughts and questions: Since I made the decision to leave in the middle of a very dark time, was my decision influenced by the lens of that time more than it should have been? I wonder if my questioning myself about this has to do with the fact that the weather is nice right now – the time of year that makes it easy to forget about the short, dark days of winter. Do I question myself because I’ve met a delightful boy to spend my time with? Because I’ve reconnected with another old friend who is going through many of the same things I’m going through? Is it that I can’t bear to move away from Kristin, my "boyfriend" when I think her life is about to start getting really good? Can I really leave Linda? Jon? Sooz and her game nights? All the friends I’ve met through Kristin, through Friday karaoke, through blogging? The hope of actually seeing Scott and Michelle? I ask myself, "Was my skin REALLY that bad all winter?" and then I remind myself that it indeed was. Will Bostonians stay out of their caves all winter? No, I know they won’t. This level of fun doesn’t seem to happen year ’round, despite what people say. It does if you look hard, but on the whole, it’s really cave time.
Is Raleigh a better match of a place for me? I think it is, but it’s an unknown, and unknowns are hard, especially when leaving a known place where I feel so loved. I’m glad I have Christopher and his mom down in Raleigh, egging me on. I’ve started making contacts and have some phone appointments set up, but I do notice that sometimes I drag my feet on this stuff, and that’s surely because this is hard. I never got traction like this in Memphis. I’ve been missing that sense of belonging since I left Bloomington. To uproot myself again seems so stupid in so many ways, but then, do I really want to spend more time in a place that doesn’t seem like THE place? It’s like staying in a relationship that you know doesn’t have longevity. When you’re "of a certain age," remaining in those relationships isn’t smart. My relationship with Boston is a complex one. Has been from the start back in ’92 when I first arrived. Boston is where I come when I want my life to change a lot. Works every time.
For context, here are all my posts about moving, starting in January just before my breakup:
Comment by The Best Boy Toy EVAR!
July 6, 2006 @ 1:35 am
You have to do what you have to do, as much as I personally would like you to stay, this climate doesn’t seem to suit you. There are trade offs, every place has its pros and cons. I think you know Boston isn’t where you want “home” to be and despite being “of a certain age,” I think you have plenty of time to find “home,” and you can always count on me (along with all your other Boston friends) to wish you the best.
We’ll miss you and we know we’ll stay close no matter how far away you are (Hooray for the internet!) We can’t wait for the grand tour of the lucky place that gets to boast…
Abby lives here!